ch ch ch ch changes.

It's time to turn and face the strange.  It's my last week of work and residency here.  Really my last couple of days.  Still seems weird that it's actually happening.  I hate saying goodbye but the time has come for me to make some changes, one of which is to leave South Carolina.  I have been here almost 10 years and South Carolina has become a home to me.  I love this place.  My friends have become my family.  I love them dearly and I will miss them.  But it's time I do a little growing and a little changing.  I've known it for a long time but I feel anchored and it has taken me a while to embrace the idea that I need to move.  The goodbyes leave me exhausted, but it is a good kind of exhausted because it is filled with love and cherished memories.  This place and these people have touched my life for good.  I have been tremendously blessed and will be forever grateful for my years in this beautiful state.

a little better

Being that it is again the end of one year and the beginning of the next, I have been giving some thought to New Year's Resolutions.  A few years ago I decided to quit making resolutions because I would develop this awesome list, devoting the next few hours / days / weeks to meeting those resolutions, only to fall off the resolution wagon just a few weeks into the new year.  And I was left just feeling bad about myself that I had failed yet again.  Major logic flaw.

I didn't give up resolutions all together, as for the past few years on my birthday I develop a list of things that I would like to do, learn, improve, or dismiss in the next year of my life.  My list is a more a set of goals for the year, some more "bucket list esque" than others.  I write them in my journal (one of my yearly resolutions that I have yet to master) and then look back on them periodically throughout the year.

This year I have resolved to return to New Year's Resolutions in addition to my birthday resolutions.  But with a healthier perspective at play.  I have been thinking a lot about how President Hinckley would end each session of general conference advising us to individually take what we had learned and be a little better.  We cannot change the past.  If I fall of the wagon one day then I just get back on it the next.  No need to get all fatalistic and dramatic about it and stuff (although that tends to be in my nature ;) ).  It is not the end if I don't master something right away or implement a goal perfectly all the time.  I think the adversary wants us to believe that we cannot measure up, that we are in the end failures, and that mediocrity and complacency are just fine.  That if we can't be perfect immediately then why bother at all.  But that is simply not true.  I will not fall prey to that lie anymore.

So I have resolved to be a little better, a little kinder, a little more forgiving, a little more slow to anger, a little smarter, a little less judgmental, and to refocus my sights on the goals I made on my birthday.  If I slip up or slow down or get stuck in a rut I resolve to make a change as quickly as possible.  I resolve to revisit my goals on a quarterly basis to check in and make course corrections as necessary.  That is what this life is all about anyway.  Striving to stay on course and making the necessary to corrections to improve our clarity, remain on track or return when we have lost sight.

Welcome 2014.

got chilvary?

Let me be clear.  I am a woman and I am grateful for the progress made on behalf of all women as a result of the feminist movement.  To way oversimplify: I love voicing my vote, obtaining higher education, I support equal pay and shared responsibilities / duties... and I don't think one gender should be elevated over another.  However, I also value traditional behaviors that are fast becoming a way of the past, e.g. provider and homemaker.  Honestly, given the chance I would be a stay at home mother and leave the primary provider duties to my hubby.  If I was married and unable to have children I would find other ways to mother and still leave the primary provider role up to my husband.  That is my dream. 

I have another dream... the global return of chivalry.  Chivalry for me is a profound respect for women and their inherent femininity.  Few things are more attractive to me than a man who (even when not in a relationship) treats a woman with the utmost tenderness and respect.  Who opens doors, offers or insists on paying, walks on the outside of the sidewalk, and protects.  One who offers their jacket, their arm, or their hand.  One who is confident, inclusive, thoughtful, assertive, and is comfortable making a decision.  I like being treated like a lady regardless of whether or not I am dating or even romantically interested in the guy in my company.  I don't that makes me weak, dependent, or incapable.  It is empowering, lovely, and super satisfying. 

To illustrate:  Once, while making a pit stop on a long drive out west, I noticed a shriveled up old couple leaving a local restaurant.  The man used a walker to get around.  Despite his profound physical limitations he walked by his spouse's side, escorted her to the driver side, and opened her door to let her in before making the long and slow shuffle to the passenger side.  It brought tears to my eyes.  That is what I'm talking about.  I'm sure his wife would have been quite okay to let him skip opening the door for her.  But it was apparent his actions were done out of love and respect for her womanhood.  As a missionary in the MTC the elders in my district were required to stand when a sister entered or a left the room, regardless of our location.  They were required to escort us to class, firesides, and any other activity.  They did it faithfully and willingly and we submitted to their assigned responsibility.  It quickly became practice rather than duty and it resulted in a strong sense of love, trust, and mutual respect... for our entire district.  It created unity.  I am profoundly grateful for that experience and for all the men I've known who choose to conduct themselves in that way towards women.  Go team.

Bring back chivalry!  Can I get an amen?!

fast cars and freedom.

It would be an understatement to say that I haven't written in a while.  I've thought about it but haven't been able to bring myself to move past that point... until today. 

I took a drive tonight.  A long drive.  A fast drive.  I was feeling antsy and ... pardon the drama of what is about to be written... but I just don't know how to else to describe it..  sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating. It's feeling that sometimes comes in the midst of a general contentment or stationary point in life.  Nothing is super great and nothing is super terrible.  Life is status quo.  But then, out of nowhere, I feel like I can't breathe.  I just need space and time to figure out what it is that's gnawing at me.  But I need it fast and for some reason being behind the wheel helps me feel like I'm getting to it quicker.  Driving with the windows down also is liberating.  I love the feel of the wind.  And I often need to start with a little noise.  The quiet and the stillness is too much.  Being the oldest I learned to focus in the midst of a lot of noise.  I can read a book in a crowded, loud, environment and get so caught up in it that all sound becomes a low hum and almost disappears.  Sometimes turning up the music loud to where it feels like it almost flows through me helps me to force concentrate on discovering the core issue.  Not sure if that makes sense.  It's like trying to find Waldo in the jumble of my thoughts and feelings.  Once I've got a grasp then I can slow down, quiet down and really give thought.  Something about getting in the car, rolling down the windows, blasting music, and driving fast helps me feel a little more relieved.  When I lived in Utah and needed to escape myself I would drive up the mountain at night and park on a ridge that overlooked the valley.  It was my special spot.  Once there I would turn off the music and sit in the stillness, stare at the lights, and just breathe in the night air.  It was always so soothing.  I miss that night view of the valley.  I do however love the feel and smell of the cool humid spring night air in South Carolina.  The "candy trees" are blooming right now and it makes the night air ridiculously inviting.  Tonight as I drove a few police cars blew by me with their sirens and lights... on the way I'm sure to something not good.  But for a moment I was jealous of how fast they could go and how exhilarating that must feel.  And then I was reminded that their destination was nothing to be desired.  So I contented myself with my speed, and my night air, and my boisterous music until I could find my Waldo and let the real pondering begin.  Not quite sure I've figured it out yet, but I don't feel suffocated or antsy anymore.  So that's progress.  Maybe I'll have to take another drive tomorrow. :)