It would be an understatement to say that I haven't written in a while. I've thought about it but haven't been able to bring myself to move past that point... until today.
I took a drive tonight. A long drive. A fast drive. I was feeling antsy and ... pardon the drama of what is about to be written... but I just don't know how to else to describe it.. sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating. It's feeling that sometimes comes in the midst of a general contentment or stationary point in life. Nothing is super great and nothing is super terrible. Life is status quo. But then, out of nowhere, I feel like I can't breathe. I just need space and time to figure out what it is that's gnawing at me. But I need it fast and for some reason being behind the wheel helps me feel like I'm getting to it quicker. Driving with the windows down also is liberating. I love the feel of the wind. And I often need to start with a little noise. The quiet and the stillness is too much. Being the oldest I learned to focus in the midst of a lot of noise. I can read a book in a crowded, loud, environment and get so caught up in it that all sound becomes a low hum and almost disappears. Sometimes turning up the music loud to where it feels like it almost flows through me helps me to force concentrate on discovering the core issue. Not sure if that makes sense. It's like trying to find Waldo in the jumble of my thoughts and feelings. Once I've got a grasp then I can slow down, quiet down and really give thought. Something about getting in the car, rolling down the windows, blasting music, and driving fast helps me feel a little more relieved. When I lived in Utah and needed to escape myself I would drive up the mountain at night and park on a ridge that overlooked the valley. It was my special spot. Once there I would turn off the music and sit in the stillness, stare at the lights, and just breathe in the night air. It was always so soothing. I miss that night view of the valley. I do however love the feel and smell of the cool humid spring night air in South Carolina. The "candy trees" are blooming right now and it makes the night air ridiculously inviting. Tonight as I drove a few police cars blew by me with their sirens and lights... on the way I'm sure to something not good. But for a moment I was jealous of how fast they could go and how exhilarating that must feel. And then I was reminded that their destination was nothing to be desired. So I contented myself with my speed, and my night air, and my boisterous music until I could find my Waldo and let the real pondering begin. Not quite sure I've figured it out yet, but I don't feel suffocated or antsy anymore. So that's progress. Maybe I'll have to take another drive tomorrow. :)
