fast cars and freedom.

It would be an understatement to say that I haven't written in a while.  I've thought about it but haven't been able to bring myself to move past that point... until today. 

I took a drive tonight.  A long drive.  A fast drive.  I was feeling antsy and ... pardon the drama of what is about to be written... but I just don't know how to else to describe it..  sometimes I feel like I'm suffocating. It's feeling that sometimes comes in the midst of a general contentment or stationary point in life.  Nothing is super great and nothing is super terrible.  Life is status quo.  But then, out of nowhere, I feel like I can't breathe.  I just need space and time to figure out what it is that's gnawing at me.  But I need it fast and for some reason being behind the wheel helps me feel like I'm getting to it quicker.  Driving with the windows down also is liberating.  I love the feel of the wind.  And I often need to start with a little noise.  The quiet and the stillness is too much.  Being the oldest I learned to focus in the midst of a lot of noise.  I can read a book in a crowded, loud, environment and get so caught up in it that all sound becomes a low hum and almost disappears.  Sometimes turning up the music loud to where it feels like it almost flows through me helps me to force concentrate on discovering the core issue.  Not sure if that makes sense.  It's like trying to find Waldo in the jumble of my thoughts and feelings.  Once I've got a grasp then I can slow down, quiet down and really give thought.  Something about getting in the car, rolling down the windows, blasting music, and driving fast helps me feel a little more relieved.  When I lived in Utah and needed to escape myself I would drive up the mountain at night and park on a ridge that overlooked the valley.  It was my special spot.  Once there I would turn off the music and sit in the stillness, stare at the lights, and just breathe in the night air.  It was always so soothing.  I miss that night view of the valley.  I do however love the feel and smell of the cool humid spring night air in South Carolina.  The "candy trees" are blooming right now and it makes the night air ridiculously inviting.  Tonight as I drove a few police cars blew by me with their sirens and lights... on the way I'm sure to something not good.  But for a moment I was jealous of how fast they could go and how exhilarating that must feel.  And then I was reminded that their destination was nothing to be desired.  So I contented myself with my speed, and my night air, and my boisterous music until I could find my Waldo and let the real pondering begin.  Not quite sure I've figured it out yet, but I don't feel suffocated or antsy anymore.  So that's progress.  Maybe I'll have to take another drive tomorrow. :)

no fair.

Let me preface this with... nothing bad has happened .. not to me personally.  I just need to vent on the obvious for a minute.  So feel free to tune out now. 

Life is not fair.  I know that.  Most of the time it doesn't bother me.  It's life.  Can't change that.  Just part of the experience.  My life's chosen profession is surrounded by the unfair in life and honestly most days I don't bat an eye.  I go home and don't think twice about it.  I think it is a gift that allows me to do what I do.  But sometimes... every once in a little while I am reminded of how really unfair things can be... or at least seem.  Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people.  I'm a firm believer that there is a consequence for every choice and some of those are immediate and some are not.  It's just that sometimes I have a mortal view and a self centered view.  And I get a case of the blahs and the boo hisses.  And I just want to choke life and make it right for others who deserve only every goodness life has to offer.  But then I remember that we can't experience joy without sorrow.  And so while I want to give sorrow a swift kick in the pants there is a part of me that is grateful for the struggle it brings, knowing the other side of sorrow is peace.

easy listening.

I tune in 5 days a week - work days - courtesy of my coworkers baby sized boombox.  And Ms. Lauper is playing as I type.  That Cindi.... she's a genius.  When the working day is done girls... they really do want to have fun.  Some fun.  Lots of fun.  Fun.  Wanna have fun.  T.G.I.F.!!!!!!!!!!!

triggers.

In my job I deal a lot with the concept of triggers.... not the ones on guns... but same concept.  Sights, sounds, smells, tastes, touches... sensory experiences that instantly elicit memories so vivid and real it is as if time has turned back to a specific event or series of events. 

Chocolate flavored scratch and sniff stickers take me instantly to elementary school. 

The smell of pork flavored green beans mixed with the scent of sauerkraut elicits memories of time spent at my grandparents home.

NKOTB's "Hanging Tough", Def Leopard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me", and Fleetwood Mac's "Everywhere" throws me back to summers at the beach with my cousins.  Every time.

White Diamonds perfume takes me to middle school... instantly... and reminds me of my mother and my secret irrational fear that I would lose her.  I would secretly spray her perfume on this stuffed bunny I kept on the night stand by my bed just in case something happened and I never saw her again.  I was so afraid I would forget her.... that my memories would fade.

Today, I was at the Piggly Wiggly picking up some tomatoes for dinner and I happened to choose the one line where the grocery checker reminded me instantly of my Uncle Al.  He passed away unexpectedly September 2011.  The man in front of me didn't look like my uncle, but he wore his pants like my uncle and he talked to me sweet and southern... like my uncle.  He was a bit younger and a bit thinner but I had to blink several times to be sure I wasn't seeing a ghost.  The feeling was so real, so present, that it was all I could not to walk around the other side of the counter and ask him to hug me... like my Uncle Al.  Needless to say I barely made it to my car before tears started rolling down my face.  I love my uncle dearly and miss him tremendously but his memories are strong with me.  I am grateful for memories and for little experiences that remind me of how grateful I am for eternity and eternal families... of love that continues beyond the grave.