Since the beginning of mankind... the Fall of Adam and Eve actually (for my non Mormon peeps... the Fall is when Adam and Eve ate the fruit in the garden of Eden)... man has placed responsibility, for consequences of choices made, on others. Enough already! We all have done it and still do it. Why??? What is so hard about accepting responsibility for feelings we have and choices we make? We even blame "human nature" for the reason we blame. I've thought about this off and on for the past few years but the other night I couldn't fall asleep for thinking about this very topic.
When I was a pre-teen I invited a friend over to stay the night. We painted nails in my room. It was against house rules but I didn't tell her that. After my friend left the next day I was cleaning up the evidence when I reached for the last item, a small full bottle of some brightly colored pink/red nail polish perched high on a dresser. Little did I know, but the top was not screwed all the way on. Just barely actually. Yeah, so not being that tall I had to reach above my head to get the bottle. I picked up the bottle by the brush end and well, it was a hot mess. The bottle dropped to the floor, despite my pleas that it defy gravity, and spilled it's contents all over the light mauve carpet in my room. I tried in vain to clean it up only realizing I was making it worse. So, I quickly devised a plan. I went downstairs and tearfully told my mother what my friend had done, even after I told her that painting nails in the bedroom was against the rules (because it might spill, duh). My mother patiently listened to me and then pointed out that I was lying as the evidence of the spilled nail polish was all down the front of my shirt. A detail I had neglected to notice. I felt like a jerk after that and I got into a lot of trouble. So, why couldn't I just be honest from the beginning? Because I was afraid of getting in trouble. But I made a decision. I broke the rules. With that come consequences. I still got in trouble.
In everything we do our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors are involved. I like to explain those three things like they are a family, each with a different role but dependent on one another. In the above incident my feelings were fear and regret. My thoughts were about future punishment and my mother's disappointment. My actions were to lie and to blame. The choice to blame was not my only option. I am not a puppet. No one forced me to take that course of action, to make those words come out of my mouth. I had the option to tell the truth. But I didn't. I think deep down I also felt hopeful because I thought my mom wouldn't find out it was me and I could go on being happy and without punishment. There are always consequences for our decisions. Consequences are unavoidable.
Some of you might look at people like Hitler, who spend a lifetime doing really bad things without apparent consequences. That is just not true. You can run and you can hide... but, you can't hide forever. It is truth. Decisions create consequences. Always. And those consequences will be a direct reflection of the decisions we make. Now, had I decided in that moment to stand up and say to my mom exactly what happened then I still would have gotten in trouble, but there wouldn't be an additional consequence caused by my attempts to lie (e.g. my guilt for disobeying and lying, my mother's hurt, lost trust, etc.) Had the evidence not been so clear and had I effectively deceived my mother I still would have the consequences of a guilty conscience and a dishonest heart. I couldn't have lived peacefully with either of those weighing on my heart and mind.
Recently events at work have only made me more acutely aware of the effect that blaming others for our poor choices can have on an individual, on a spousal relationship, and on a family. Here are some things I've heard recently:
**He/she drives me crazy/makes me so mad.
**I can't because...
**If he/she hadn't... then I wouldn't...
**I only did it/said it because he/she did/said...
**It's not my fault...
Proper ownership would sound more like this:
**I feel ... when this event happens... because I think...
**I don't want to...
**I did this because I chose to get upset/frustrated about...
**I chose to act this way because I didn't like what he/she did/said
**My responsibility in this is...
I think the world would largely be a different place if we would assume responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, and actions. I feel like we would have more sympathy and forgiveness for others. There would be an increase in trust and a decrease in interpersonal conflict. Healthy communication would abound. Marriage relationships would be strengthened. Parent-child relationships would be more harmonious.
Since this is something we all do... beginning in our very young years... how do we change? Ownership is part of repentance. So maybe the solution lies in utilizing the Atonement in our everyday lives. Christ is the author of our salvation. It is through Him that we can change. Maybe by assuming responsibility with Him first we can have the strength and courage to do that with ourselves and with those in our association. I don't care how old you are or how dismal things may seem, it's not too late to start. It's our choice to make. The blame game ends here.
Now, can someone help me off my soapbox? This one is kinda high.
